Better to be the proud owner of a fun little minilog. While they may look impressive, they’re a hassle to lug around, and getting whacked by one is going to leave you sore for a week. I take solace in the fact that most women, like your average surfer, aren’t looking for a 12’ koa and redwood log. Heavy as hell and too big for most to ride, it’s nevertheless a majestic creation, the type of board you’d want to give a good polish and hang over your fireplace for the world to admire. Homeboy’s rocking a custom mahogany monstrosity. However, where Jay Z is concerned, Beyoncé makes it clear with, “ graining on that wood, graining, graining on that wood,” that Jay Z ain’t hanging no high performance four ounce glass stick. It may be small, white, curved and dirty, but I prefer not to be reminded of those facts. I’m not sure I’d enjoy it if my wife were to refer to my penis as a surfboard, either.

Otherwise there’s just not enough space, and fresh water makes for terrible lubrication.) In fact, the best sex you can have in either the shower or tub is solo. (I’d like to add, bathtub sex isn’t really that great. Upon further reflection, I suppose she’s referring to Jay Z when she sings,” I’m swerving on that, swerving, serving on that big body.” I don’t imagine you’d refer to your detachable shower head as a “big body.” Which would mean that the surfboard she’s riding in the bathtub is, in actuality, her husband’s penis.

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